Thursday, December 25, 2008

天堂的来信

昨晚,我梦见了你。。

你还是白白胖胖的,很得意。

见到你,我懵住了,想不通,也解释不到。

“你。。 不是不在了吗 ?你。。不是死了吗 ?”

你没有回答,只是微笑地看着我。

等我再想进一步问下去,你忽然走向前,握了我的手,拖了就走。

一面走,我一面问。。。“你。。 你不是死了吗?你为什么在这里?你要带我去哪里?”

你还是笑笑地点头,什么都不说,握住我的手,好像不想松开。

我很不解,但我没害怕。

我等了那么多年,你现在才在梦中拖着我的手,为什么?

“你。。 你不生气我了吗?你原谅我了吗?”你看了我笑一笑,还是继续往前走。

忽然,一把熟悉的声音把我从梦中唤醒,是我的表妹,叫我起床准备出门去玩了。

惊讶地,她问我,为什么这么好笑意,笑着起床?

我摇了摇头,告诉她我发了个美梦,她便匆匆走了出去。

真的是你吗?

你在澳洲吗?

你知道我来找你了吗?

你想说什么?

为什么只会笑,我不懂耶!

不好再和我玩‘猜猜’游戏了。。告诉我答案好吗?

为什么出现了又不讲?

难道真的又要我猜吗?

我想你可想到快疯了,你知道了吗?

你是想告诉我,你就在左右吗?

你又想带我到哪儿呢?

种种疑问,我怎么传达给你呢?

你没有给我留你天堂的地址呀,我要怎么寄呀?

我就学那小孩把信和风筝一起放上天,你要记得收噢。。。

Friday, November 28, 2008

Greed...and it cost me, you

Was tellin Lin about your passin few days back..
and her sudden exclamation got me thinkin...
she wasn't totally wrong.. nor did she sound like she's kiddin...

She said.. I'm getting really close to God..

I was wishin to God.....
I told God I'd trade anything for you..
He answered my prayer a year later...
He sent me his special angel to me, you..
It didn't matter how bad the world had turned.. or how bad the society got..
Everything was shining bright... I was shining bright...
I was the owner of the world.. because I had you..
Nothing else mattered...
Just to see a text from you.. hear your silly laughs..
hear you talking-shop non-stop... treating me as if I'm one of your colleagues who would understand each and every medical Jargon you'd use...
I still remember my very first 'lesson' to you...


"Oh, here you are, woman !" you exclaimed the day u were late for lunch...
I scolded and taught you the proper way to acknowledge a female gender...
"Lady... lady..." I could still see you jumping off that broken sofa...putting back the newspaper you were readin while you were waitin for me... and 'practising' what I was teaching you..
You were THAT adorable sometimes...
and that made me love you even more...

I was like living in heaven for a year...
then... Satan sent his 'soldier'..
and because of the sin of greed..
Satan's soldier won the war..... and I lost my angel... I let you slip away..


I sounded stern on the messages..
Actual fact, I wanted so much to see you that day...
but Satan's soldier was beside me... and I couldn't tell you...
You left ... with anger..
I just wished.. you didn't bring it away with you....


Shao, I don't expect you to forgive me..
Doesn't make sense if you would...
But If you can hear me out please....
I loved you.. so much so... I thought I was doing what was best for you...
You couldn't decide for yourself... so I decided for you..
I couldn't bear to be an option...
Only to know later, that I was not an option.. I was what you had at the top of the checklist..

My heart tore when I hear your angry tone...
I wanted to tell you I loved you so.. but I couldn't...
I cried myself to sleep everynight...
like what I'm doing now again...


I love you, shao...
I may not have told you before....
I love you. I truly do.

You once told me "Love is blind"
Wasn't for my case... I knew I loved you the day I feel for you..
Till date... I still am very aware.. that I very much, still do love you..

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart..

Actually...
I've forgotten what's the date you sent me that weird text...
a good.. 5 - 6 years ago now.. has it not ?

That night.. I've just driven back from my Perak visit..
thought I could see you before I leave.. but work was always priority for you..
and hence.. I drove back alone...

Deep into the night...
As I lay restin.... *ting tong*..
There came a rather 'unexpected' message from a 'unexpected' sender..

I didn't realize you are chasing after me. You are ok. I'll give you a chance.


That woke me up good..
You've really, really gotten me by surprise...
I mean... chasing after you ? Err.. yes, sort of... but not really...
I mean.. I made it at point blank I wouldn't be disturbing other people's 'property'...
I liked you... that very first day I saw you in the uniform...
I fell for you... but I wasn't ...well... wasn't really 'after you'...
It was like an 'unreachable dream'...
And it came true...

I called every possible person I could... to get advise 3am in the morning
( wasn't at all a very pleasant time to be callin anyone really.. )

And after half an hour of tossin and turnin...
I replied with a .. couldn't be simpler. " Thank you. I'll treasure it. "

Never would I have thought...
A year later... I would be the one eatin my own words...

like what I've told you in my last few messages...
It was really.. love at 'first' sight...
I fell instantenously for you that day....
I thought miracle never happens.. so I kept it purely business...
Yet, guess I wasn't keepin myself too well.. I showed a little more than keen-ness...
And with the help of your buddies.. it wasn't hard to 'notice' afterall.

What I wanted to say here is...

Thank you.. thank you, dear...
For giving me the chance to love you... to treasure you... to be there for you...

I'd trade ANYTHING, and I mean.. ANYTHING to be back where I was with you...
But I guess.. miracle doesn't happen twice..
and... this time.. I'm asking for more than a miracle...
I'm askin God to give you back to me.. alive...
even if not back to me... but alive..
Whoever brings you back to life...
I'd be a vegetarian for the rest of my life...
and I'd follow Him...
( askin for the impossible.. and so I'm giving an seemingly-impossible condition.. )


I loved you...
loved you soooo much, Chia Shao...
I still do.... will do...
sehinggalah aku menghembus nafas terakhir...